I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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