Life is so much better after having sex.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
