Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
