Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
