You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
