I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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