a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
