I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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