good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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