the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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