do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
