I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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