First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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