he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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