i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
