So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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