I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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