You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
