So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
