The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
