dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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