Don't make out with my wife yet
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
