That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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