found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
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you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
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then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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