3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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