i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Randomize
