Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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