come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
