I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
