sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
