the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Bang-toberfest begins!!
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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