Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
