you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
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