The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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