I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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