my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
