how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.