I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
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Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
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