i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
