omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
