so explain again why im purple
no
4 words: hood of his car
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
