upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
