the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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