i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
