What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
