Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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