Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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