she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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