sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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