i can't believe i had my finger in that
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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