What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
