If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
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In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
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also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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