I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
