He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
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