Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Be still, my beating vagina.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
