Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Randomize
