that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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