also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
