Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
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I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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