I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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