remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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